Not This Year

This morning, I re-read my sister, Cindy's post, this post, entitled "Mama's Christmas Fudge".  It brought back bittersweet memories of our annual candy making day. Our mother died in August 2001.  Making candy that year, was difficult; yet my sisters and I turned out some very tasty treats. It was a tear filled day, but one that brought much comfort. Through the years, candy days have been filled with memories and laughter. Every December we have continued with the tradition; each year perfecting the craft, adding different flavors, & making more than the previous year. 

Our fudge has been the prized gift received by family & friends. But not this year......We tried; Cindy & I. We gathered the ingredients, the utensils, and cooking vessels. But I just couldn't bring myself to be in the kitchen, much less to try to make the sweet confections. My broken heart refused to make candy without my little sister. I resigned myself to the couch, with no consideration of Cindy's feelings. I closed my eyes, covered my head, tried not to even listen to the voices in the kitchen.

My nephew and his wife had come over to visit with Cindy. Since they were visiting and I was not, Cindy enlisted their help to make the fudge. They followed the recipes, they did everything that our notes had added to the process, everything smelled & looked great. But, the fudge did not "set" properly. It tasted fine, but was too soft to cut and place in separate containers. 

Cutting the fudge had always been my job, so I forced myself to try. It was just too soft. We tried putting it in the fridge for a while to see if that would help. Even tried the freezer. I managed to get a few pieces cut, but soon quit trying. It wasn't right. I wasn't right. It wasn't going to get right. I wasn't sure that I was going to get right, either.

Finally, I just couldn't handle my feelings any longer. I said my good byes and headed home. I later texted Cindy and apologized for my behavior. I admitted that I was sad. Her reply let me know that she too, was sad.

Grief has many facets and the duration of its effects varies from person to person. Some people never recover from its devastation. Sometimes I feel as though I have had enough grief for one lifetime. Yet, I know that as long as I am earth-bound, grief will be with me in one form or another. HOWEVER, I KNOW THAT JESUS IS WITH ME, REGARDLESS OF THE TYPE OR LEVEL OF GRIEF THAT I MAY EXPERIENCE.

It is in that "knowing" that I find COMFORT. So maybe the fudge didn't set this year.... it is not the end of my world. And so, my baby sister moved into her heavenly home.... I refuse to remain sad about that. For one day, (whether by the grave or the rapture), I WILL SEE HER AGAIN.